My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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