ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
