Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
