oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
