You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i drank out of a bidet.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
