so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
