Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
