I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
