I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
