Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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