Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
