just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
