anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Panties = found
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