i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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