dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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