There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
