the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
