I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
