I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
