The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
