Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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