what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
