Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
