were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
