My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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