Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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