it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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