i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
