I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize