As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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