Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
