He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
