Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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