Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
