his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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