Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
