based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my sisters under your porch take her home
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
