Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You ruined the universe
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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