I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm getting married
To pizza
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
