just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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