If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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