I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
