It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
