k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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