I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
