You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
