Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
