when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
