I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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