Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
