We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
