I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize