something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
