In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
