Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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