We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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