I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
