I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
