I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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