I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize