I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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