please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
