got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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