Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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